Horse/Grizzly Bear Dilemma

Ray found out a grizzly bear can run faster than a horse. So, if ever we are attacked by a horse we have decided to make good our escape on a grizzly bear.

Madagascar!!!



It's the Canvey Island of Africa!!!

Mule Smuggling Disaster

Can you believe it! Our eldest triplet (by 4 hours - it was long confinement) has been in bother with the interbanational police authorites again!!

Of course, we've all heard of so-called 'Drug Mules', well, May has only gone and tried to smuggle a real mule home from Ireland, where she was working as some sort of tester for a few months. Apparently, she saw it shivering in a Donegal field, felt sorry for it and managed to get the poor thing half way through departures at Dublin International Airport before she was arrested by the Irish police (or "Gardes" as they call them out there. Ray prefers the term "Coppers").

Let's hope she gets a light sentence as she didn't know what she was doing or why. Never has.

TTFN  Fay xxx

No Surprises Here

Suffolk enjoyed an uneventful, if in places noisy, start to 2012 as thousands of people across the county celebrated the start of Olympic year.

A spokeswoman for Suffolk police said officers had had a busy night, but there were no major incidents that they had had to deal with.

Overnight showers are thought to have persuaded many people to remain in indoor parties and to resist the temptation to spill out on to the streets at midnight.
Some people did set off fireworks to mark the start of the new year – but their efforts could not match the 10-minute extravaganza that heralded the New Year on the bank of the River Thames in London.

Insect Disaster

There we were at a children's tea party when a wasp flew right up Fay's frock, stinging her several times, which resulted in Fay running round the garden tearing her dress off and screaming like a banshee, followed by a line of toddlers doing the same, thinking it was a new and exciting party game.
Before too many of the dads could get their so-called 'camera-phones' loaded and firing, Fay managed to make a dash to the kitchen and stand in the sink, pouring jelly and ice cream impregnated washing up water over her rapidly swelling body. Thankfully Ray arrived with un-charactericstic kind and reassuring words, jumped on to the draining board and began smearing her with salt and vinegar crisps.
What and end to the party!
Bees make honey. Wasps make Marmite.

Would You Like A Receipt With That?

If anyone ever asks you if you need a receipt, always say "Yes".

There is a very good reason for this and we will tell you the reason for this.

Fay's friend Liz {back on the scene when she wants something} has convinced Fay to 'dog-sit' her unpredictable, enormous female Wiemaraner, {inexplicably named 'Heaver'} while she visits her elderly sister in Perranporth. Liz has two dogs, but the smaller of the two {'Philip' - an unprepossessing terrier of some description} went with her, leaving Heaver to spend the day roaming Liz's flat, either listening to Norfolk fm in the kitchenette or watching a selection of daytime television in the lounge-ette. At four o'clock every afternoon and half past eight every morning, Heaver has to be taken to the Mettingham Open Space and Nature Reserve/Play + Picnic Area for recreation, exercise and other necessaries. If you know what we mean. Liz has a selection of so-called 'nappy bags' - pink for Heaver and blue for Phillip. For the necessaries.

Well, after Fay had coaxed Heaver into the car, using a tin of sardines {the dog will apparently do almost anything for a sardine, which is strange, as so will Fay} driven to the Mettingham Open Space and Nature Reserve/Play + Picnic Area, made sure there were no children running or other dogs present - both or either of these things will provoke Heaver, and indeed Philip to prolonged and savage attacks - coaxed Heaver from the car, positioned her lead and muzzle and commenced the dog walk, Fay realised she had overlooked one essential component of the evening routine.

Suffice to say, when they were some distance from the car, Heaver chose to relieve herself, mid footpath in full view of several other keen walkers. Needless to say, even if the Mettingham Open Space and Nature Reserve/Play + Picnic Area had been completely deserted, Fay would still have felt duty bound to tidy up after Heaver's exertions. Realising she had left the nappy bags in Liz's flat, Fay searched desperately through the eighteen pockets of her 'Anapurna' windcheater. Chapstick, a pocket sewing kit, a sachet of salt, a book of matches, a small comb (won in a Christmas cracker), a half-eaten Fishermens Friend in a tissue, a feather, and a pound coin would not be of any use for the task in hand, but the till receipt from Tesbury's {our Local so-called Independent Supermarket}, saved the day. With the deftness of a Belgian lacemaker, Fay managed to package the unpleasantness in the surprisingly long and strong receipt until she was able to dispose of it in a recognised place of refuse. Thankfully, Fay always carries a pack of so-called 'Wet Things' in the glove box of the car in case of incident. She was able to use twenty two or so to clean her hands of potential taint from Wiemaraner waste.

So. We hope you know the answer the nxt time you are asked, "Would You Like A Receipt With That?"

Fay hopes Liz will hurry back soon.

Oh This Weather

I don't know.

Is it going to rain - isn't it going to rain?
Is it going to rain - isn't it going to rain?
Is it going to rain - isn't it going to rain?
Is it going to rain - isn't it going to rain?
Is it going to rain - isn't it going to rain?
Is it going to rain - isn't it going to rain?
Is it going to rain - isn't it going to rain?
Is it going to rain - isn't it going to rain?
Is it going to rain - isn't it going to rain?
Is it going to rain - isn't it going to rain?
Is it going to rain - isn't it going to rain?
Is it going to rain - isn't it going to rain?
Is it going to rain - isn't it going to rain?
Is it going to rain - isn't it going to rain?
Is it going to rain - isn't it going to rain?
Is it going to rain - isn't it going to rain?
Is it going to rain - isn't it going to rain?
Is it going to rain - isn't it going to rain?
Is it going to rain - isn't it going to rain?
Is it going to rain - isn't it going to rain?
Is it going to rain - isn't it going to rain?
Is it going to rain - isn't it going to rain?
Is it going to rain - isn't it going to rain?
Is it going to rain - isn't it going to rain?
Is it going to rain - isn't it going to rain?
Is it going to rain - isn't it going to rain?
Is it going to rain - isn't it going to rain?
Is it going to rain - isn't it going to rain?
Is it going to rain - isn't it going to rain?
Is it going to rain - isn't it going to rain?
Is it going to rain - isn't it going to rain?
Is it going to rain - isn't it going to rain?

I don't know.

I wonder if Ray might know. I'll shout down the shed.

TTFN Fay XXX

Water Sports

'Pete' Benjamins has apparently strapped a swan pedalo to the roof of his estate car and is bringing it home for an oil and polish so he can take his 'Special Lady' water-skiing this summer. If you see him on the road, give him a toot. If not, keep an eye off the coast of Great Britain this summer, where you may see Pete pedalling furiously with his 'Special Lady' in tow, resplendent in flying goggles, flippers and nothing else (she's a keen nudist), sipping on a Pimms and Tizer cocktail.

It's not the sort of thing we'd do though.

A Cracking Idea For A Business

On one of our walks down other peoples' roads, we came up with a cracking idea for a business:

"Unsolicited Retrospective Domestic Architectural Advice" dot com. Or URDAA for short.

We {The Brays} could post advice through people's doors on where we think they went wrong with their extensions. Fourteen days later we could then post off an invoice (say.. fifty guineas??). Then, if we didn't receive payment in another fourteen days, we could sue.

Surely, fifty guineas is a small price to pay for peace of mind on the home extension front! Especially with building costs the way they are.

We think we're on to a winner here.

Daft Name For A Bird

This is an 'Oystercatcher'. We saw one making a terrible din near the beach at Walberswick on one of our walks.
We think this is a daft name for a bird because clearly, no-one has to 'catch' oysters - they just lie there, don't they! If, like us, you think that 'Oystercatcher' should be re-named, why not let us know (perhaps with suggestions for a new name) and we will politely harrass the RSPB (The Royal Society For The Protection Of Birds), which should really be shortened to TRSFTPOB. If, like us you think that the RSPB should be known as TRSFTPOB, why not let us know and we will write to Her Majesty The Queen. God Bless Her.

Reasonable Spirit

The Bray's have done all Christmas shopping done (apart from a few silly things) but heard on the wireless today they said the MINIMUM price for vodka will soon be £10.71 per litre - for health reasons. Fay & Ray are very concerned about good health and the environment and would love to get a few bottles at this price in case anyone comes round.

Where, oh where can they get some, please? Certainy not Tetbury's, their local so-called Independent Convenience store, or indeed any of the out of town hyper-markets in the Waveney Valley area - they've looked already this morning, driving to them all bright and early to beat the crowds. Ray has a day off sick with this horrible cold. He's been very queer

Fay's been nursing him with a flannel and some Germolene, where he's repeatedly rubbed his poor nose on his pillow.

ANOTHER Brush With The Long Arm Of The Law

It's been another terrible week. Fay and Liz decided to go to Ipswich for some so-called Christmas shopping and a little light luncheon in the 'Drum And Monkey' public house.
Needless to say, bad went to worse, as is so often the case when Liz is on the scene, culminating with Fay being discovered trying to climb a fence in Colchester Zoo armed with an aerosol can, intent on  painting our adopted red faced spider monkey, Zombie, yellow.
The so-called security guards called the local police, who took Fay into temporary custody and she now awaits prosecution, convinced that Colchester Police will invoke United States law which states 'You will be arrested if you paint your horse in Vermont.' This is according to something on the Internet that Liz unhelpfully pointed out, along with the equally alarming information that the selling of horse urine in Vermont requires a license.
So once again, the Bray household is rent with Fay's nocturnal shrieks as she wakes, convinced she languishes in a New England gaol, being taunted by a sadistic Puritan warder.
When will this all end?

Shocking Wind

It is a shocking windy day today out Bungay way.
My peg bag was actually blown off the washing line and into our next door neighbour Sergio's garden. Sergio is out til later, so now I can't peg my washing out and I've lost my peg bag and I'm surrounded by wet washing and I'm all behind. It's a terrible situation.
We say it's those wind farms affecting the environment. Ray says there's enough wind without wind farms and do you know, I think he could be right! We should all call for an Immediate Ban on wind farms. Now.
Still, I managed to calm myself down and am having my lunch hour with one of my favourite recipes.
Cuppa Soup.
Here's the recipe:

• I pk (packet) of Cuppa Soup  (chicken, vegetable, chicken & vegetable - whatever you want.)
• Water to taste

This serves one, but if there are two of you, use two pk (packets) of Cuppa Soup. If there are three of you, use three pk (packets) of Cuppa Soup. If there are four of you, use four pk (packets) of Cuppa Soup. If there are five of you, use five pk (packets) of Cuppa Soup. If there are more than five of you, then doing Cuppa Soup would be far too much bother, so I would never bother if there was more than five of you.

Empty Cuppa Soup packet into suitable cup.
Boil water
Pour Boiling Water into cup. Stir well. Sit back and enjoy a delicious Cup a Soup on a windy day!!!

TTFN Fay XXX