Fifty Shades of Bray

Ooooo it's been a long time. Well, Ray and me have been doing some more home improvements.
Since the Triplets left, their room has been in danger of becoming something of a shrine and we don't want that as we've already got one of those - Peter's room {but we don't talk about him}.
So, we threw all their remaining possessions and keepsakes down the dump and got rid of the 'trunk' beds {i.e. triple bunk beds - Ray always said it looked like the hold of a slave ship in there, but he designed and made the trunk beds in the first place. He's rarely satisfied with his own handiwork.}
Anyway, now we have what we like to call our "Beige Room of Pleasure".
It has two(2) comfy chairs, one (1) with a pouffe for Ray's poor legs and two(2) ocassional tables, PLUS a portrtatibble televsion and of course Ray's sound system. We go in there to relax upstairs, me with a family sized pack of delicious custard creams, Ray with a glass or two of the finest red wine. I can look at the television, while he listens to Nasrat Fateh Ali Khan on his hi-fidelity headphones. Bliss!

We should write a book!!!

TTFN

Fay

XXX

Mule Smuggling Disaster

Can you believe it! Our eldest triplet (by 4 hours - it was long confinement) has been in bother with the interbanational police authorites again!!

Of course, we've all heard of so-called 'Drug Mules', well, May has only gone and tried to smuggle a real mule home from Ireland, where she was working as some sort of tester for a few months. Apparently, she saw it shivering in a Donegal field, felt sorry for it and managed to get the poor thing half way through departures at Dublin International Airport before she was arrested by the Irish police (or "Gardes" as they call them out there. Ray prefers the term "Coppers").

Let's hope she gets a light sentence as she didn't know what she was doing or why. Never has.

TTFN  Fay xxx

Trouble Down Under

One of our triplets, May - not the favourite - has got into trouble on her way back from Australia of all places. Seems she tried to smuggle a live wombat onto the aeroplane in her hand luggage after attempting to sedate the poor creature with a mixture of Haribos {whatever that is}, gin & tonic and some cheese.

Unsurprisingly, it's noisy whimpers were overheard by a keen airline official who refused to accept May's explanation of 'indigestion' as she tried to drown out the noise with cries of her own. A search of May's bag soon revealed the hapless marsupial {named 'Rupert'} befouling a fluffy hot water bottle case in the shape of a boomerang May was also bringing back as a present for one of her many friends.

We can't bail her out, mainly because we don't want to. Hopefully her stay in prison won't be too long or arduous, and at least they speak a rudimentary form of English there. May was always a big fan of 'Prisoner Cell Block H' {like her mother} so now's her chance to "Live The Dream".

No worries.

Result Result Result

Well, there's been quite a few developments in the Bray household recently - it isn't all watching the golden channels and wrestling with laundry.
Our triplets have all received their university (or "Uni") degree results
Jay (Media) 1:2
Kay (The History of Clay) 1:2
May (Fashion) 1:2

So, it's a straight 1:2, 1:2, 1:2 for our clever (and passably pretty) girls. Ray's best friend Pete Benjamins says it's like being at a sound check for a Pink Floyd gig, but as usual, we have no idea what he is going on about. Maybe he's been on the Guinness Cocktails!

Jay wants to get a job straight away as she hears there are quite a few openings with News International (whoever they are). We think she should work her way up and perhaps start as a cub-ette reporter on the Bungay Bugle or even Earsham Exagerator.
Kay is going to apply to do and M.A. in The History of Clay. That should come in handy round Bungay way one day.
May has taken a 'gap month' in Australia of all places to study original, aboriginal and unoriginal fashion.

We would be proud, but pride is a deadly sin. Nonetheless, yesterday Ray brought home a two litre bottle of Lambrini and we drank a toast to our girls until the room seemed to be spinning. It couldn't have been, of course.

A Birthday Telephone Call From Abottabad (Not A Made Up Place)

It was Ray's birthday on Monday, 2nd May and would you believe it, we received not one but TWO calls from our son, Peter! The news is that he got out of Libya {thank goodness} and is now in Pakistan of all places, staying with an apparently very nice family in a place called Abbottabad of all places. It sounds like a made-up name to us, but Peter whispered it is a true place and he had to whisper as the old gentleman he is staying with doesn't like anyone using mobile phones in his house. It must be their culture out there. We will Goggle 'Abbottabad' when we get the chance and find out what it's like there {unless any of our so-called 'followers' beat us to it}.

Anyway, Peter didn't stay on the line long, but did wish his Dad a happy birthday, which made his day.

Later on, just as we were settling down to our Bank Holiday Monday viewing, the phone went again and it was Peter again, this time shouting, with all fireworks going off in the background. We suppose they were still celebrating the Royal Wedding in their way. We couldn't hear quite what Peter was saying, but were fairly pleased that he had rung again, even though he had nearly disturbed our Bank Holiday Monday viewing. Some people have said that we don't really like our son Peter, and in some ways, they may be right, but really and truly a parent's love can never die, even for a child who has at times been so inconsiderate and spiteful to his parents like Peter has to us.

Peter's Urgent Evacuation

Funny, we'd alway seen Colonel Muammar Abu Minyar al-Gaddafi as a sort of Middle-Eastern Arthur Daley, what with his hats, way with the ladies and his tent in the desert, but seeing him on the news the other night, he looks a nasty piece of work and may well have "Lost The Plot" as the youngsters say.

So, it may be that our son, Peter is in need of an urgent evacuation. Clearly as Mr Cameroon and his chirpy sidekick Mr Clegg have been on half term, there's been no-one to press the "Emergency Mercy Mission" button so it's every man (and woman these days) for him{her}self.

So, Peter, if you're listening, try and get the next catamaran out of Libya and home to Bungay way, where there will be a "Cuppa Soup" and a bed waiting. At least for a couple of nights.

So, don't worry about your minder, Mehmet. He can speak the lingo and will be alright.

TTFN

Mum and Dad

xx

"Busty Blonde"?? Surely Some Mistake?

Apparently, there is a "Busty Blonde In A Corset" set to "wow" the so-called "X Factor" so-called 'judges'.  {where they got their law degrees is a mystery to us - probably from the International Network for twenty five American Dollars payable to a bank in Honduras.}

Anyway, Fay and Ray Bray want to make it quite clear that the "Busty Blonde" Faye [spelt with an 'E' you'll notice] Bray is not in fact the brunette - but no less buxom - bespectacled Fay Bray.

Furthermore, Fay (without an 'E') would never desport herself in a state of undress on National Television, although there may be some so-called CCTV footage of Swanage town centre, where Fay did in fact run along the High Street in a state of undress on Liz's (third) hen night in 1992 after approximately fifteen pina coladas, three bottles of red wine, a pint of draught Guinness and an egg nog chaser after accepting a five (£5) pound dare from a Spanish waiter, which is still outstanding. Unlike the £45 (forty-five) pound fine she received from the less than amused Swanage Magistrates Court three weeks later.

So, although Fay like a bit of cheese and a dance, it is not the Faye on the television, so no so-called paparazzi outside Bray Towers, please.

A Very Upsetting Week

It has been a Very Upsetting Week. Firstly, Fay discovered that BB King is not Italian.

Then, we employed a small builder, who specialised in small jobs to attend to some tiling in 'The Smallest Room In The House'. Unfortunately, he took the opportunity to tell Fay - in some considerable and unecessary detail - all about his recent vasectomy operation. Fay was extremely upset by these revelations, so much so that she telephoned 999 and insisted the police arrest the verbose builder on a charge of unrequested sexual harrassment. the so-called operater told her there was a) no such offence b) it was not a police emergency and c) she should "calm down and make a cup of tea".

Fay disagreed.

After her tenth call to the 999 service the police did in fact arrive and after what was an unpleasant altercation in the front garden, Fay was arrested and charged with "behaviour likely to cause a breach of the peace".

Naturally, our sleep patterns have been disrupted ever since and the matter has not been helped by an unwelcome contribution from Fay's so-called friend, Liz to the effect that the Government are considering mixed-sex prisons. The upshot is that Fay has gone from being terrified of incarceration in solitary confinement, to having to share a cell with a Hell's Angel called Moose. The shrieks as she wakes from her fitful sleeps have to be heard to be believed.

Is there ANYONE on this Internet of a 'Legal Eagle' disposition who can give Fay some (free) reassurance that she will not be imprisoned on a first offence?

Meanwhile, I have just one piece of advice for Liz, namely, It's not OK to upset Fay Bray on any day, so stay away, OK?

Ray Bray

The Lord's Day

We were supposed to go out to a friend's 80th birthday party last night but unfortunately couldn't go as Fay had an attack of the screaming abdabs and had to be kept in. Her friend Liz lent her a woman's magazine containing an article on how cocktails are an effective social lubricant and this, coupled with our local 'independent' supermarket having a special offer on so-called 'Jagerbombs', led Fay to get in a bit of muddle.
Before preparing to apply her make up, she drank three of these Jagerbombs (for £10) thinking the harmless melon, cranberry and mocha (whatever that is) flavours would somehow neutralise the effects of the massive amounts of vodka they contain.
Subsequently, she appeared in the lounge in floods of tears, saying that she wanted to stay with her mother for the night. I reminded her that where her mother lives, no-one is allowed in or out after 21:00 hours, which led her to become even more agitated and insist that I was trying to make her eat spiders.
I managed to restrain her - difficult as this was given that she didn't have a stitch on - and not for the first time was grateful for the 'pin-down' techniques I learned while I was doing Youth Work on a Voluntary Basis back in the 80's.
Well, the present situation is that she is now relaxing in the conservatory with the small television I have installed for our viewing pleasure, while I am preparing Sunday luncheon - a delicious Fray Bentos pie. Tasty, nutritious and a delight to prepare (although it goes without saying that the tin ALWAYS needs to have the lid removed completely BEFORE cooking to avoid hideous Health & Safety ramifications. And remember, food must be piping hot before serving). I may make an effort to surround the pie with piped mashed potato, borrowing one of Fay's collection of piping bags to make this possible, even though this raises memories of how our son, Peter, used to refer to piped mashed potato as 'cavity wall insulation' whenever Fay did this as a treat for him and his pals on their late-night supper parties.

Ray B

Friday

and what busy day I have had. That's me Fay not Ray. Ray has been at work oh he works so hard at Clays does Ray. Anyway I have been busy busy bee today so many jobs I have had to do busy busy that's me. Well first I got Ray his breaky (that's what we like to call breakfast in the Bray household). Ray always has a boiled egg on a Friday , sometimes two but only one today. So I did his breaky and sent him off to work then I was off. I didn't know whether to take a coat or not it looked a bit overcast so I took my beige mac just in case, Then I went and caught the bus into town. I was so busy I first went and volunteered at the charity shop.Its the one for saving wales or something. oh I love it there having a good natter with my good friends Betty and Liz. Then went to the help with the meals on wheels. I always do this on a Friday.After that I nipped to the shops I always like to get a few bits for the weekend just in case one of the triplets pops in for a cuppa. Then home and I started preparing the dinner.As its Friday we have fish of course. I am now having a little break- I've changed of course ready for Ray to come in from work oh I can hear his car now must be off.
Fayxx