Headlining In That London

 WEDNESDAY August 21 – 8 30pm £5

Faye & Ray Bray, Robert White, Masoud Nokhas, Rob Law, Hannah Rosen, Dominic Alot, Sarah Mann, Wojtek Checkowski, + Live music from Al Mandolino

MCs Brian Damage & Krysstal + Anthony Miller

Well We Would Like This, Wouldn't We!

http://fayrayseldorado.com/index.html

Fay found this so-called 'link' (whatever that is) whilst "surfing the nets". Now she just goes on and on and on and on and on and on and on on on on on on on on on on on on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on about Arkansas.

A french Kong Comic book, a King Kong snow globe, stills from the original movie, ties, pens, ornaments, toys, salt & pepper shakers, Empire State Building Models, plates, stuffed animals and even an Ann Darrow Barbie doll.

Who knows. Maybe they will send us a luncheon voucher!

Reconstruction Shocker For Liz

Fay's best friend, Liz, recently went in for some cosmetic 'Tidying Up' at a cut price clinic in Lowestoft run by a self-taught retired Danish fisherman, who it turns out is a little too fond of the turps for his own good.
Anyway, due to a combination of the fisherman's liquid breakfast and Liz's unfailing ability to make herself clear, she ended up with having her teeth plumped up, lips straightened and nose whitened.
What a shocker! Like we always say, " You get what you pay for".

Horse/Grizzly Bear Dilemma

Ray found out a grizzly bear can run faster than a horse. So, if ever we are attacked by a horse we have decided to make good our escape on a grizzly bear.

Fifty Shades of Bray

Ooooo it's been a long time. Well, Ray and me have been doing some more home improvements.
Since the Triplets left, their room has been in danger of becoming something of a shrine and we don't want that as we've already got one of those - Peter's room {but we don't talk about him}.
So, we threw all their remaining possessions and keepsakes down the dump and got rid of the 'trunk' beds {i.e. triple bunk beds - Ray always said it looked like the hold of a slave ship in there, but he designed and made the trunk beds in the first place. He's rarely satisfied with his own handiwork.}
Anyway, now we have what we like to call our "Beige Room of Pleasure".
It has two(2) comfy chairs, one (1) with a pouffe for Ray's poor legs and two(2) ocassional tables, PLUS a portrtatibble televsion and of course Ray's sound system. We go in there to relax upstairs, me with a family sized pack of delicious custard creams, Ray with a glass or two of the finest red wine. I can look at the television, while he listens to Nasrat Fateh Ali Khan on his hi-fidelity headphones. Bliss!

We should write a book!!!

TTFN

Fay

XXX

Kitchen Crisis

Ray and I were caught in the jaws of a kitchen crisis, but are now caught on the horns of a dilemma. He has heard {from goodness knows where - probably a so-called 'Kitchen Tip' off one of the 'Gold' channels} that if you put an oyster shell in your kettle, it doesn't fur up, keeping the dreaeded limescale at bay. Of course, oyster shells are quite hard to come by round Bungay way - even Tetbury's don't stock them, despite our repeated requests.

In a fit of inventiveness, Ray got some gravel from the front garden {it had a crocus bulb in it but Ray said that it wouldn't matter even though I said it would it would it would it would it would it would}. He also scooped up a discarded crisp bag which he later admitted may have been a mistake and to add the required maritime flavour from the absent oyster shell, popped in an old sardine tin. {We're extremely keen on oily fish and want to go to the Gulf of Mexico one year on holidays to sample some.}

Of course, as I could have said, after boiling and reboiling the kettle for an hour and a half, it eventually stopped working. We checked the guarantee, but there were no clauses to cover gravel/fish tin/flower/litter incidents so we had to invest in a new one.

It's safely home, but on page five of the instructions {page 5} it clearly states " do not leave appliance unattended whilst in use. Well . . . we all know what they say about a watched kettle!!!

I'm also a little concerned about the 'Personal Safety' 'bullet point' on the same page that says, "This appliance is not intended for use by persons (including children) with reduced physical, sensory or mental capabilities or lack of experience and knowledge unless they have been given supervision or instruction concerning use of the appliance by a person responsible for their safety".

Well, neither of us has had any instruction and Ray will certainly never take instruction or supervision from me or anyone else for that matter.

It's a dilemma.

TTFN

Fay

XX

Household Tips From A Comedy Genius

By mistake I was watching a re-run of 'Room 101' on one of the Golden channels and saw the very funny Peter Cook showing us how he hated modern packaging and how plastic bags wouldn't open properly when you want them to. Well, as he showed us a tip he received from a cashier girl on how to open plastic bags that he said never works, it worked. Now I use his method (or rather, the anonymous cashier girl's method all the time). I wonder where she is now.

You see, you can get household tips from funny men like Peter Cook (even though he did get a bit sweary toward the end) from beyond the grave. Isn't technology wonderful!!!

TTFN
Fay XX

We Really Have To Change Our Password

It has come to our attention that one of our so-called "followers" intends to use our secret internet password to buy Spam and Wine from a Big Shop (not Tesbury's then {so-called "Independent" Supermarket}).

Naturally, we are worried sick over this prospective infringement of our civil liberties and human rights and are now having to go through all the rigmarole and kerfuffle of changing our secret internet password from "Xenofobe" to "Zenerphoooobe1".

That's the very last time we try and give anyone advice on internet safety and security. The very last time.

The other bit of advice is never type "sucky" into Gooogel, especially if so-called "safe search" is in the "off" position.

Pancakes!! Yippee!!

It's "Pancake Day" (or "Mardi Gras" as they say abroad. It means "Fat Tuesday" in French. Why - nobody knows!! Funny how it always co-incides with our "Pancake Day").

Well, tonight we had a "Pancake Extravaganza".
For starters, Seafood Pancakes
For mains, "Pancake Italienne" ( 8 pancakes filled with Bolognese Sauce for that Continental Twist!)
For pud, Pancakes.

As a special treat I'm going to slip in to my Brazillian outfit I made for the Bungay Carnival in 1997 and give Ray a showtime to remember. I haven't done my Brazillian dance since last Pancake Day/Mardi Gras, when my feathers got caught in our light fitting, plunging the house into darkness.
Ay-ee! Musica!

TTFN
Fay XX

Password Problems

Does anyone else have problems forgetting their so-called "Password"?
It seems we have to have one for everything these days, from gasman to banks to library cards to butcher to baker to candlestick maker {if there are any of them left - who knows} to tax man, to telephone man, to building society lady, to doctor, to dentist, to chiropodist, to sports injury clinic, to pub, to grub, to so-called internet hub, to Spotify account {whatever that is}, to travel agent to estate agent, to travel agent, to optician, to building society {did we metion that?}, to train ticket, to shoe shop, to Twitter(not bird talk), to enter a building , to leave a building, to buy from the internet, to sell from the internet, to talk to someone, to leave a message for anyone, to shop, to drop, to sell, to write a note to someone, to talk to your vet ,to text , to e mail, to play a game, to use the mobile telephone, to call from the mobile telephone, to leave a message on the moblie telephone to go through a gate with a lock, to get into a block of flats( when Fay delivers meals on wheels) et cetera et cetera.
We're sure there's many more.
Anyway, many's the time we've found ourselves on the phone shouting our personal details to an Indian or a robot or sometimes both, or even worse, sometimes someone in the North East (or "Geordie-land" as we sometimes call it) when we've forgotten our password.
We've come up with an ingenious idea.
Just use the same easy-to-remember password for everything
We use "Xenofobe". This word -as everyone knows - means "terror of the new". Our twist is, spelling it wrong, so no internet criminal could ever guess it.
So, hooray! We have password internet comfort and safety all in one.

"Busty Blonde"?? Surely Some Mistake?

Apparently, there is a "Busty Blonde In A Corset" set to "wow" the so-called "X Factor" so-called 'judges'.  {where they got their law degrees is a mystery to us - probably from the International Network for twenty five American Dollars payable to a bank in Honduras.}

Anyway, Fay and Ray Bray want to make it quite clear that the "Busty Blonde" Faye [spelt with an 'E' you'll notice] Bray is not in fact the brunette - but no less buxom - bespectacled Fay Bray.

Furthermore, Fay (without an 'E') would never desport herself in a state of undress on National Television, although there may be some so-called CCTV footage of Swanage town centre, where Fay did in fact run along the High Street in a state of undress on Liz's (third) hen night in 1992 after approximately fifteen pina coladas, three bottles of red wine, a pint of draught Guinness and an egg nog chaser after accepting a five (£5) pound dare from a Spanish waiter, which is still outstanding. Unlike the £45 (forty-five) pound fine she received from the less than amused Swanage Magistrates Court three weeks later.

So, although Fay like a bit of cheese and a dance, it is not the Faye on the television, so no so-called paparazzi outside Bray Towers, please.

Flogging The Blog

The "Huffington Post" an Internet Newspaper has been sold to AOL for $315,000,000 (yes, that's 315 Million American Dollars, which is a lot of money by anyone's standards, even the people who live in some of those fancy houses just up from Lowestoft).

"So what?" we hear you say.

Well, The "Huffington Post" started out as a blog of all things, run by a Mrs Arianna Huffington and some of her friends in America. This set Mrs Bray thinking, and she is seriously considering putting our blog up for sale, starting with a postcard in the Post Office window, one in our so-called local Independent Supermarket and perhaps even advertisements in the Parish Magazine and our local papers, 'The Bungay Bugle' and 'Earsham Exaggerator'.

Of course, we wouldn't want $315,000,000 for our blog. That sort of money could drive you in to an old-fashioned mental hospital.

Oh No, Not Another One

Now we're being 'followed' by a character called 'Banksy Boy'. Maybe he works in a bank, but we doubt it.

He looks like a bit like space alien. We hardly ever see things like that round Bungay way.

We're Being Followed

Looks like we have another so-called "Follower", or "Storker" as Fay likes to refer to them (mistakenly).

This one goes by the name of "Jelly Rice". Oh for goodness sake!

So. We're being 'followed' by two half men/ half women; a half man (or lady)/half motorbike; Ben Peter (whoever he/she is); likewise "James and Maggie - who look fairly normal, but probably aren't at all one bit; and now some sort of a queer Chinese dessert.

It's not so easy having a blog, looking over your shoulder the whole time to see if you're being 'followed'.

Bedroom Games

Fay and Ray have invented a wonderful new game in the bedroom.

Whoever wakes up during the night has to wake the other one and ask them to guess the time. The digital alarm clock (with DAB radio, whatever that is), is always covered with a November 1982 issue of the Reader's Digest as the light from the clock is rather too bright for purpose.

The one who guesses nearest the correct time  is the winner.

Last night Fay guessed 23:11 and Ray 00:24 when it was 00:48
Then Fay guessed 03:15 and Ray 01:56 when it was 02:48
Then Fay guessed 03:15 and Ray 06:24 when it was 03:34
Then Fay guessed 06:21 and Ray 02:36 when it was 06:40.

So last night, Fay was the winner by a country mile.

What hilarious times in the bedroom!

Yellow

Fay wants to paint EVERYTHING yellow.

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Our 'Stats'

Well, would you believe it! There's a so-called 'stats' feature on this blog that allows one to see just how many people have been looking at our blog, who they are, and where they live in the whole wide world.

Since we started in October, there are 4,398 so-called 'hits'. When Ray did a statistical analysis he found out 4,000 of the views have been from the Libyan Secret Police.

We're famous!

TTFN

Fay xxx

A Very Upsetting Week

It has been a Very Upsetting Week. Firstly, Fay discovered that BB King is not Italian.

Then, we employed a small builder, who specialised in small jobs to attend to some tiling in 'The Smallest Room In The House'. Unfortunately, he took the opportunity to tell Fay - in some considerable and unecessary detail - all about his recent vasectomy operation. Fay was extremely upset by these revelations, so much so that she telephoned 999 and insisted the police arrest the verbose builder on a charge of unrequested sexual harrassment. the so-called operater told her there was a) no such offence b) it was not a police emergency and c) she should "calm down and make a cup of tea".

Fay disagreed.

After her tenth call to the 999 service the police did in fact arrive and after what was an unpleasant altercation in the front garden, Fay was arrested and charged with "behaviour likely to cause a breach of the peace".

Naturally, our sleep patterns have been disrupted ever since and the matter has not been helped by an unwelcome contribution from Fay's so-called friend, Liz to the effect that the Government are considering mixed-sex prisons. The upshot is that Fay has gone from being terrified of incarceration in solitary confinement, to having to share a cell with a Hell's Angel called Moose. The shrieks as she wakes from her fitful sleeps have to be heard to be believed.

Is there ANYONE on this Internet of a 'Legal Eagle' disposition who can give Fay some (free) reassurance that she will not be imprisoned on a first offence?

Meanwhile, I have just one piece of advice for Liz, namely, It's not OK to upset Fay Bray on any day, so stay away, OK?

Ray Bray

Breaky Crisis

At the weekend, we decided to have a "Hi-Tech Breaky" which involved preparing a bowl of delicious porridge in the microwave oven. Unfortunately, Fay was distracted by someone being killed on the radio. When she returned to her task, she continued with our usual breaky preppy - boiled egg (our 'normal' breaky) - forgetting all about the porridge languishing unloved and ignored in the tomb-like microwave oven.
She discovered the bowl today, as Wednesday is the day  the microwave oven is cleaned inside and out.(amongst other things!)
Ray said the porridge smelt like a horror film and it's the last time Fay tries a "Hi-Tech Breaky" whilst listening to a Radio 4 news programme. It's boiled eggs and relentless melodies only from now on.

Blogtrotters

Those of you with memories more efficient than a talent show contestant (many of whom cannot remember how to answer questions in a proper manner) will recall we were disturbed to find we had a 'follower' on the blog.

We now have another two. Emma Vince - disturbingly with a male/female name like the last one and Sam Norton - whoever he is - who may possibly be half man/half motorcycle.

Can anybody PLEASE tell us what is going on?