Oooer, A Celebrity in Beccles

Yesterday, Fay found herself in Beccles with her friend, Liz after an exhausting session at the charity shop. To her consternation, she saw a dishevelled young man with regulation baseball cap and scruffy jacket in what appeared to be some distress, unable to talk properly, sitting on the ground at the bus station, surrounded by a small crowd, some of whom were filming him.
Thinking it was one of the so-called homeless causing the fuss, Fay made her way over to give any assistance she could, whether it involved light verbal castigation, or perhaps a well aimed kick. You can only imagine her astonishment when she discovered it was none other than the world famous, dribbling super telly chef and multi-millionaire mock cockney, Jamie Oliver, 'publicising' yet another series of his so-called cookery programmes.
Needless to say, Liz - an incorrigible slave to celebrity - elbowed her way to the front of the scrum and dragged Jamie to his feet, where he had been 'autographing' copies of his latest book and soon had our hero gurning into her portable telephone/digital camera, whilst she adopted the inadvisable 'duck face' she mistakenly assumes is a playfully seductive pose.
Before long, Liz was accompanying the drooling egotist to Beccles Museum where he showed an excited crowd of about eight how to deep fry potato skins and make soup from mushrooms. We in the Bray Household say mushrooms are fungus and athlete's foot is fungus. The place for potato skins is, of course, in the pedal bin. They soon had to leave the Museum as the smoke detectors were making a frightful noise, which interfered with the filming.
Soon an even bigger crowd of about ten had joined Jamie and his 'crew' to laugh and point at people buying fish and chips in 'The Beccles Plaice'.
Liz insisted on buying Fay Jamie's book as an 'Early Christmas Present'. Unfortunately, it has been ruined due to Jamie trying to write his name on it. If he signs his cheques like this, my guess is no-one will get paid.