Insect Disaster

There we were at a children's tea party when a wasp flew right up Fay's frock, stinging her several times, which resulted in Fay running round the garden tearing her dress off and screaming like a banshee, followed by a line of toddlers doing the same, thinking it was a new and exciting party game.
Before too many of the dads could get their so-called 'camera-phones' loaded and firing, Fay managed to make a dash to the kitchen and stand in the sink, pouring jelly and ice cream impregnated washing up water over her rapidly swelling body. Thankfully Ray arrived with un-charactericstic kind and reassuring words, jumped on to the draining board and began smearing her with salt and vinegar crisps.
What and end to the party!
Bees make honey. Wasps make Marmite.

Trouble Down Under

One of our triplets, May - not the favourite - has got into trouble on her way back from Australia of all places. Seems she tried to smuggle a live wombat onto the aeroplane in her hand luggage after attempting to sedate the poor creature with a mixture of Haribos {whatever that is}, gin & tonic and some cheese.

Unsurprisingly, it's noisy whimpers were overheard by a keen airline official who refused to accept May's explanation of 'indigestion' as she tried to drown out the noise with cries of her own. A search of May's bag soon revealed the hapless marsupial {named 'Rupert'} befouling a fluffy hot water bottle case in the shape of a boomerang May was also bringing back as a present for one of her many friends.

We can't bail her out, mainly because we don't want to. Hopefully her stay in prison won't be too long or arduous, and at least they speak a rudimentary form of English there. May was always a big fan of 'Prisoner Cell Block H' {like her mother} so now's her chance to "Live The Dream".

No worries.

Here's A Thought...

What's the point of having a change when you can have a routine?

Result Result Result

Well, there's been quite a few developments in the Bray household recently - it isn't all watching the golden channels and wrestling with laundry.
Our triplets have all received their university (or "Uni") degree results
Jay (Media) 1:2
Kay (The History of Clay) 1:2
May (Fashion) 1:2

So, it's a straight 1:2, 1:2, 1:2 for our clever (and passably pretty) girls. Ray's best friend Pete Benjamins says it's like being at a sound check for a Pink Floyd gig, but as usual, we have no idea what he is going on about. Maybe he's been on the Guinness Cocktails!

Jay wants to get a job straight away as she hears there are quite a few openings with News International (whoever they are). We think she should work her way up and perhaps start as a cub-ette reporter on the Bungay Bugle or even Earsham Exagerator.
Kay is going to apply to do and M.A. in The History of Clay. That should come in handy round Bungay way one day.
May has taken a 'gap month' in Australia of all places to study original, aboriginal and unoriginal fashion.

We would be proud, but pride is a deadly sin. Nonetheless, yesterday Ray brought home a two litre bottle of Lambrini and we drank a toast to our girls until the room seemed to be spinning. It couldn't have been, of course.

Household Tips From A Comedy Genius

By mistake I was watching a re-run of 'Room 101' on one of the Golden channels and saw the very funny Peter Cook showing us how he hated modern packaging and how plastic bags wouldn't open properly when you want them to. Well, as he showed us a tip he received from a cashier girl on how to open plastic bags that he said never works, it worked. Now I use his method (or rather, the anonymous cashier girl's method all the time). I wonder where she is now.

You see, you can get household tips from funny men like Peter Cook (even though he did get a bit sweary toward the end) from beyond the grave. Isn't technology wonderful!!!

TTFN
Fay XX

Help With The Decorating Decisions

We're having the hall and landing done and can't decide {for the walls} between fawn, beige, off-earth, biscuit, tope, Cadbury Silk, mushroom, sunset brown, cinnamon, putty, mocha, heroin, light brown, light grey, cyan, mongolia, autumn compost, cream, white with a hint of chocolate, chocolate with a hint of white, marsh, Gatsby, light beige, or crimson gloss.

Can ANYONE out there help? Our neighbour, Sergio, who is booked to do the work when his back gets better is no use at all, just giving Continetal shrugs when we ask him again and again again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again what we should do over our colour conundrum.

The hall and landing is a contrasting colour at the moment that will go with anything.

Cherry Tomatoes

Who ever said cherry tomatoes are suitable for humans to eat!

They don't taste of anything, except battery acid. If you get the juice from them anywhere near a cut or an open eye, you need to see a doctor in the hospital. And they always explode. Even if they are cut into pieces {which you really need to do with a James Bond laser machine because the skins are so hard}they still explode and squirt their horrid acid juice either in your open eye or over clothes, furniture, pets, carpets, cars, televisions, small children, passers-by, other good food, blankets, computers, electrical power tools {which makes them wet, slippery and dangerous - especially if you are using them half blinded after cherry tomato juice gets in your open eye} - important paperwork, polished wood floors, binoculars, books, or the kitchenette.

This even happens if you think that putting a whole one in your mouth and chewing it up will solve the problem. No. It won't. Cherry tomatoes are highly pressurised and will easily send a jet of acid juice out through your mouth no matter how tightly you clamp your jaws together all over clothes, furniture, pets, carpets, cars, televisions, small children, passers-by, other good food, blankets, computers, electrical power tools {which makes them wet, slippery and dangerous - especially if you are using them half blinded after cherry tomato juice gets in your open eye} - important paperwork, polished wood floors, binoculars, books, or the kitchenette.

Who first brought these terrible things in to England? We don't mind foreign food like spaghetti hoops and that, but these cherry tomatoes should be burned out at sea. We don't care if we never see another one.

Here's a favourite recipe:

Ingredients:
Anything without cherry tomatoes in
Method:
Do the recipe without any cherry tomatoes. Serve hot or cold.

A Birthday Telephone Call From Abottabad (Not A Made Up Place)

It was Ray's birthday on Monday, 2nd May and would you believe it, we received not one but TWO calls from our son, Peter! The news is that he got out of Libya {thank goodness} and is now in Pakistan of all places, staying with an apparently very nice family in a place called Abbottabad of all places. It sounds like a made-up name to us, but Peter whispered it is a true place and he had to whisper as the old gentleman he is staying with doesn't like anyone using mobile phones in his house. It must be their culture out there. We will Goggle 'Abbottabad' when we get the chance and find out what it's like there {unless any of our so-called 'followers' beat us to it}.

Anyway, Peter didn't stay on the line long, but did wish his Dad a happy birthday, which made his day.

Later on, just as we were settling down to our Bank Holiday Monday viewing, the phone went again and it was Peter again, this time shouting, with all fireworks going off in the background. We suppose they were still celebrating the Royal Wedding in their way. We couldn't hear quite what Peter was saying, but were fairly pleased that he had rung again, even though he had nearly disturbed our Bank Holiday Monday viewing. Some people have said that we don't really like our son Peter, and in some ways, they may be right, but really and truly a parent's love can never die, even for a child who has at times been so inconsiderate and spiteful to his parents like Peter has to us.

Would You Like A Receipt With That?

If anyone ever asks you if you need a receipt, always say "Yes".

There is a very good reason for this and we will tell you the reason for this.

Fay's friend Liz {back on the scene when she wants something} has convinced Fay to 'dog-sit' her unpredictable, enormous female Wiemaraner, {inexplicably named 'Heaver'} while she visits her elderly sister in Perranporth. Liz has two dogs, but the smaller of the two {'Philip' - an unprepossessing terrier of some description} went with her, leaving Heaver to spend the day roaming Liz's flat, either listening to Norfolk fm in the kitchenette or watching a selection of daytime television in the lounge-ette. At four o'clock every afternoon and half past eight every morning, Heaver has to be taken to the Mettingham Open Space and Nature Reserve/Play + Picnic Area for recreation, exercise and other necessaries. If you know what we mean. Liz has a selection of so-called 'nappy bags' - pink for Heaver and blue for Phillip. For the necessaries.

Well, after Fay had coaxed Heaver into the car, using a tin of sardines {the dog will apparently do almost anything for a sardine, which is strange, as so will Fay} driven to the Mettingham Open Space and Nature Reserve/Play + Picnic Area, made sure there were no children running or other dogs present - both or either of these things will provoke Heaver, and indeed Philip to prolonged and savage attacks - coaxed Heaver from the car, positioned her lead and muzzle and commenced the dog walk, Fay realised she had overlooked one essential component of the evening routine.

Suffice to say, when they were some distance from the car, Heaver chose to relieve herself, mid footpath in full view of several other keen walkers. Needless to say, even if the Mettingham Open Space and Nature Reserve/Play + Picnic Area had been completely deserted, Fay would still have felt duty bound to tidy up after Heaver's exertions. Realising she had left the nappy bags in Liz's flat, Fay searched desperately through the eighteen pockets of her 'Anapurna' windcheater. Chapstick, a pocket sewing kit, a sachet of salt, a book of matches, a small comb (won in a Christmas cracker), a half-eaten Fishermens Friend in a tissue, a feather, and a pound coin would not be of any use for the task in hand, but the till receipt from Tesbury's {our Local so-called Independent Supermarket}, saved the day. With the deftness of a Belgian lacemaker, Fay managed to package the unpleasantness in the surprisingly long and strong receipt until she was able to dispose of it in a recognised place of refuse. Thankfully, Fay always carries a pack of so-called 'Wet Things' in the glove box of the car in case of incident. She was able to use twenty two or so to clean her hands of potential taint from Wiemaraner waste.

So. We hope you know the answer the nxt time you are asked, "Would You Like A Receipt With That?"

Fay hopes Liz will hurry back soon.

Oh This Weather

I don't know.

Is it going to rain - isn't it going to rain?
Is it going to rain - isn't it going to rain?
Is it going to rain - isn't it going to rain?
Is it going to rain - isn't it going to rain?
Is it going to rain - isn't it going to rain?
Is it going to rain - isn't it going to rain?
Is it going to rain - isn't it going to rain?
Is it going to rain - isn't it going to rain?
Is it going to rain - isn't it going to rain?
Is it going to rain - isn't it going to rain?
Is it going to rain - isn't it going to rain?
Is it going to rain - isn't it going to rain?
Is it going to rain - isn't it going to rain?
Is it going to rain - isn't it going to rain?
Is it going to rain - isn't it going to rain?
Is it going to rain - isn't it going to rain?
Is it going to rain - isn't it going to rain?
Is it going to rain - isn't it going to rain?
Is it going to rain - isn't it going to rain?
Is it going to rain - isn't it going to rain?
Is it going to rain - isn't it going to rain?
Is it going to rain - isn't it going to rain?
Is it going to rain - isn't it going to rain?
Is it going to rain - isn't it going to rain?
Is it going to rain - isn't it going to rain?
Is it going to rain - isn't it going to rain?
Is it going to rain - isn't it going to rain?
Is it going to rain - isn't it going to rain?
Is it going to rain - isn't it going to rain?
Is it going to rain - isn't it going to rain?
Is it going to rain - isn't it going to rain?
Is it going to rain - isn't it going to rain?

I don't know.

I wonder if Ray might know. I'll shout down the shed.

TTFN Fay XXX

Water Sports

'Pete' Benjamins has apparently strapped a swan pedalo to the roof of his estate car and is bringing it home for an oil and polish so he can take his 'Special Lady' water-skiing this summer. If you see him on the road, give him a toot. If not, keep an eye off the coast of Great Britain this summer, where you may see Pete pedalling furiously with his 'Special Lady' in tow, resplendent in flying goggles, flippers and nothing else (she's a keen nudist), sipping on a Pimms and Tizer cocktail.

It's not the sort of thing we'd do though.

We Really Have To Change Our Password

It has come to our attention that one of our so-called "followers" intends to use our secret internet password to buy Spam and Wine from a Big Shop (not Tesbury's then {so-called "Independent" Supermarket}).

Naturally, we are worried sick over this prospective infringement of our civil liberties and human rights and are now having to go through all the rigmarole and kerfuffle of changing our secret internet password from "Xenofobe" to "Zenerphoooobe1".

That's the very last time we try and give anyone advice on internet safety and security. The very last time.

The other bit of advice is never type "sucky" into Gooogel, especially if so-called "safe search" is in the "off" position.

An Apology

Here's a picture of the comedy chef watching the countdown before a chick explodes.

Apparently he has now set himself up as some sort of teacher and appeared on television with a dribbling apology to all the teachers he played up at school, saying that it's wrong to talk when someone else is talking.

We'd prefer it if Jimmy Olivier kept his thoughts to himself and realised that for him, it's probably wrong to talk at all.

Pancakes!! Yippee!!

It's "Pancake Day" (or "Mardi Gras" as they say abroad. It means "Fat Tuesday" in French. Why - nobody knows!! Funny how it always co-incides with our "Pancake Day").

Well, tonight we had a "Pancake Extravaganza".
For starters, Seafood Pancakes
For mains, "Pancake Italienne" ( 8 pancakes filled with Bolognese Sauce for that Continental Twist!)
For pud, Pancakes.

As a special treat I'm going to slip in to my Brazillian outfit I made for the Bungay Carnival in 1997 and give Ray a showtime to remember. I haven't done my Brazillian dance since last Pancake Day/Mardi Gras, when my feathers got caught in our light fitting, plunging the house into darkness.
Ay-ee! Musica!

TTFN
Fay XX

Password Problems

Does anyone else have problems forgetting their so-called "Password"?
It seems we have to have one for everything these days, from gasman to banks to library cards to butcher to baker to candlestick maker {if there are any of them left - who knows} to tax man, to telephone man, to building society lady, to doctor, to dentist, to chiropodist, to sports injury clinic, to pub, to grub, to so-called internet hub, to Spotify account {whatever that is}, to travel agent to estate agent, to travel agent, to optician, to building society {did we metion that?}, to train ticket, to shoe shop, to Twitter(not bird talk), to enter a building , to leave a building, to buy from the internet, to sell from the internet, to talk to someone, to leave a message for anyone, to shop, to drop, to sell, to write a note to someone, to talk to your vet ,to text , to e mail, to play a game, to use the mobile telephone, to call from the mobile telephone, to leave a message on the moblie telephone to go through a gate with a lock, to get into a block of flats( when Fay delivers meals on wheels) et cetera et cetera.
We're sure there's many more.
Anyway, many's the time we've found ourselves on the phone shouting our personal details to an Indian or a robot or sometimes both, or even worse, sometimes someone in the North East (or "Geordie-land" as we sometimes call it) when we've forgotten our password.
We've come up with an ingenious idea.
Just use the same easy-to-remember password for everything
We use "Xenofobe". This word -as everyone knows - means "terror of the new". Our twist is, spelling it wrong, so no internet criminal could ever guess it.
So, hooray! We have password internet comfort and safety all in one.

Peter's Urgent Evacuation

Funny, we'd alway seen Colonel Muammar Abu Minyar al-Gaddafi as a sort of Middle-Eastern Arthur Daley, what with his hats, way with the ladies and his tent in the desert, but seeing him on the news the other night, he looks a nasty piece of work and may well have "Lost The Plot" as the youngsters say.

So, it may be that our son, Peter is in need of an urgent evacuation. Clearly as Mr Cameroon and his chirpy sidekick Mr Clegg have been on half term, there's been no-one to press the "Emergency Mercy Mission" button so it's every man (and woman these days) for him{her}self.

So, Peter, if you're listening, try and get the next catamaran out of Libya and home to Bungay way, where there will be a "Cuppa Soup" and a bed waiting. At least for a couple of nights.

So, don't worry about your minder, Mehmet. He can speak the lingo and will be alright.

TTFN

Mum and Dad

xx

"Busty Blonde"?? Surely Some Mistake?

Apparently, there is a "Busty Blonde In A Corset" set to "wow" the so-called "X Factor" so-called 'judges'.  {where they got their law degrees is a mystery to us - probably from the International Network for twenty five American Dollars payable to a bank in Honduras.}

Anyway, Fay and Ray Bray want to make it quite clear that the "Busty Blonde" Faye [spelt with an 'E' you'll notice] Bray is not in fact the brunette - but no less buxom - bespectacled Fay Bray.

Furthermore, Fay (without an 'E') would never desport herself in a state of undress on National Television, although there may be some so-called CCTV footage of Swanage town centre, where Fay did in fact run along the High Street in a state of undress on Liz's (third) hen night in 1992 after approximately fifteen pina coladas, three bottles of red wine, a pint of draught Guinness and an egg nog chaser after accepting a five (£5) pound dare from a Spanish waiter, which is still outstanding. Unlike the £45 (forty-five) pound fine she received from the less than amused Swanage Magistrates Court three weeks later.

So, although Fay like a bit of cheese and a dance, it is not the Faye on the television, so no so-called paparazzi outside Bray Towers, please.

A Cracking Idea For A Business

On one of our walks down other peoples' roads, we came up with a cracking idea for a business:

"Unsolicited Retrospective Domestic Architectural Advice" dot com. Or URDAA for short.

We {The Brays} could post advice through people's doors on where we think they went wrong with their extensions. Fourteen days later we could then post off an invoice (say.. fifty guineas??). Then, if we didn't receive payment in another fourteen days, we could sue.

Surely, fifty guineas is a small price to pay for peace of mind on the home extension front! Especially with building costs the way they are.

We think we're on to a winner here.

"Kate Humble"

Is Kate Humble the most inappropriately named person in the whole wide world?

Flogging The Blog

The "Huffington Post" an Internet Newspaper has been sold to AOL for $315,000,000 (yes, that's 315 Million American Dollars, which is a lot of money by anyone's standards, even the people who live in some of those fancy houses just up from Lowestoft).

"So what?" we hear you say.

Well, The "Huffington Post" started out as a blog of all things, run by a Mrs Arianna Huffington and some of her friends in America. This set Mrs Bray thinking, and she is seriously considering putting our blog up for sale, starting with a postcard in the Post Office window, one in our so-called local Independent Supermarket and perhaps even advertisements in the Parish Magazine and our local papers, 'The Bungay Bugle' and 'Earsham Exaggerator'.

Of course, we wouldn't want $315,000,000 for our blog. That sort of money could drive you in to an old-fashioned mental hospital.

Herb Disaster

Our neighbour Sergio came up with an idea for a "Fresh Herb Sandwich". It was a new one on me, but apparently in his country they have fresh herbs as a sandwich filling! It seemed very strange, but I thought I'd try it out for Ray and me at the weekend, as we're always very keen to try new things - especially in the menu department!!
I didn't have any fresh herbs, but did have a jar of dried mixed herbs. I added a little water to make a type of 'fresh herb paste' paste, which I used as a sandwich filling (Ray likes a nice thick filling).
Sorry to say it wasn't very nice even with some salt and pepper, so it ended up in the pedal bin. No wonder Sergio is so thin!!
Anyway, to cheer us up after this disaster, I made a couple of traditional sandwiches. Here's the recipe:

Ingredients..
Bread (two [2] slices per person {white, sliced})
Cheese (Cheddar)
Butter (or low fat spread effect type product if you want the so-called healthy option!!)
Method..
Spread the spread on one side of the bread. Slice the cheese (if not already sliced) or you can grate it using a cheese grater if you want. Carefully place the cheese on one side of spread bread, popping the other slice on top (spread side down. Do you follow?). Cut into squares or triangles or oblongs whatever you want. Serve and enjoy. Wash up, wipe up and put away all utensils immediately. No-one wants the smell of cheese hanging around the kitchenette.
As an exciting variation, you can use sliced ham instead of cheese.

TTFN!! 

Fay XX

Oh No, Not Another One

Now we're being 'followed' by a character called 'Banksy Boy'. Maybe he works in a bank, but we doubt it.

He looks like a bit like space alien. We hardly ever see things like that round Bungay way.

Daft Name For A Bird

This is an 'Oystercatcher'. We saw one making a terrible din near the beach at Walberswick on one of our walks.
We think this is a daft name for a bird because clearly, no-one has to 'catch' oysters - they just lie there, don't they! If, like us, you think that 'Oystercatcher' should be re-named, why not let us know (perhaps with suggestions for a new name) and we will politely harrass the RSPB (The Royal Society For The Protection Of Birds), which should really be shortened to TRSFTPOB. If, like us you think that the RSPB should be known as TRSFTPOB, why not let us know and we will write to Her Majesty The Queen. God Bless Her.

An Exotic Cocktail Recipe

Ray's old friend, Peter Benjamins turned up out of the blue last night. Ray always called him 'Pete' for short. It's not his real name, but he doesn't mind and thinks it is a bit of fun. He calls Ray, 'Raymondo' and me 'Wa-Hay'. Those aren't our real names. We wish he would call us 'Ray' and 'Fay' like everyone else (but not always in that order - most people say 'Fay' and 'Ray'. Ladies first!! But 'Pete' will insist on his bit of fun, and who are we to stand in his way!

'Pete' shared his favourite cocktail recipe with Ray. (I didn't have any - I'm off cocktails). It's unusual in that it's a Guinness Cocktail. Here's the recipe:

Ingredients:
Guinness ('Pete' usually allows ten to twelve tins or bottles per person)

Method:
Open the tin or bottle of Guinness (whatever you have) Pour carefully into a glass. There! A Guinness Cocktail for you to enjoy. Repeat until speechless.

TTFN

Fay XX

Let's Go Away!

Fay and Ray are excited about booking this year's holiday.

Tunisia!

It looks like lots of fun and for some reason is very cheap.

Shalom everyone!!!

We're Being Followed

Looks like we have another so-called "Follower", or "Storker" as Fay likes to refer to them (mistakenly).

This one goes by the name of "Jelly Rice". Oh for goodness sake!

So. We're being 'followed' by two half men/ half women; a half man (or lady)/half motorbike; Ben Peter (whoever he/she is); likewise "James and Maggie - who look fairly normal, but probably aren't at all one bit; and now some sort of a queer Chinese dessert.

It's not so easy having a blog, looking over your shoulder the whole time to see if you're being 'followed'.

Reasonable Spirit

The Bray's have done all Christmas shopping done (apart from a few silly things) but heard on the wireless today they said the MINIMUM price for vodka will soon be £10.71 per litre - for health reasons. Fay & Ray are very concerned about good health and the environment and would love to get a few bottles at this price in case anyone comes round.

Where, oh where can they get some, please? Certainy not Tetbury's, their local so-called Independent Convenience store, or indeed any of the out of town hyper-markets in the Waveney Valley area - they've looked already this morning, driving to them all bright and early to beat the crowds. Ray has a day off sick with this horrible cold. He's been very queer

Fay's been nursing him with a flannel and some Germolene, where he's repeatedly rubbed his poor nose on his pillow.

Fay and Ray's World Politics

Well, they're having an election in Sudan to split the country in two. Fay and Ray take a keen interest in so-called World Affairs and see that many people are exercised over what the new countries should be called.

What a kerfuffle!

It's obvious the new countries should be called 'Sue' and 'Dan'. These are lovely names and should put a stop to all the arguing, argey bargey, and name calling. Not to mention torture, rape-as-a-weapon-of-war and genocidal tendencies displayed by so many of the Sudanese people with guns, bullets, knives, cigarette lighters, choppers, pick-up trucks (probably not insured), ropes, snappy dogs and sticks.

If only Fay and Ray were African leaders. There wouldn't be two-thirds the trouble there is.

Hats off to the Sudanese. Why have one country, when you can have two!

Good luck, Africa.